But as promised, this next topic is about blame. I tie blame in with forgiveness, because in order to forgive, we must have, at some point, blamed. Blame can be a powerful tool to use against others. Blame makes us right and others wrong; a very comfortable place for some of us. Admittedly, it has felt good - for me - to blame others for my predicament, problems and feelings at certain times in my life. It has allowed me the luxury of ignorance, un-examination and self-centeredness. For all I need to do is be external in my thinking: keep looking outward; continue to look for the mistakes, character flaws and poor behavior in other people; assign their transgressions upon me as intentional, malicious and outside my control and I get the free pass. No introspection required.
I don't know about you, but for me, this is no way to live life. When we blame, we are not in control of our thoughts and feelings (I maintain). "If only my wife would not do this" we might say, "then things would be better." Or, "When my boss starts noticing my contributions a little more, than I'll show more initiative." And, "I only yelled back because you were yelling at me." All of these put the power in the hands of others. Every time we blame someone, anyone, for how we are and why we did something, we give away our ability to make choices that are in our best interest. We keep the power in their hands. And guess what? They ain't changing, at least not how and when we want. I've heard it said, "Never underestimate your power to change YOURSELF, but never overestimate your power to change OTHERS."
Whether it's in the workplace, the schoolyard, the home, the neighborhood or the privacy of our own minds, the blame we exert unto others keeps us anchored as victims. Now we all fall victim to others at some point in our lives, whether they be criminals, angry people, intolerant spouses, abusive parents, hostile coworkers, reckless drivers or bullies. These things occur and, much of the time, there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do about it. But our ability to choose how we react to those people is our corner of freedom.
(Read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" for one of the most compelling reads ever on personal responsibility, accountability and choosing life in the face of pain, hopelessness and despair.)
As we find ourselves needing to forgive, we can also ask ourselves, "at what point did I blame this person, people or circumstance and why?"
So here are a few tips on reducing blame in your life:
- Look at the person or circumstance that is causing you pain or discomfort as teachers who are here to provide you with the lessons you need to grow.
- Ask yourself, "what have I done, or what was I doing that invited in this person or situation to cause this anger, frustration, etc.?"
- Ask yourself this question: "How do I teach others to treat me?"
- Ask yourself what you get out of blaming others for your problems, irritations, etc. If it's to NOT address our own issues, which it just might be, then your willingness to blame only delays your personal growth and happiness.
- Get in the habit of not taking things personally. If someone calls you a jerk, and you respond in a jerk-life manner, who's got the problem? :-)
Once we blame, the next step is forgiveness - if we desire a mentally and emotionally healthy life. Our own list of forgive-ees is indicative of the blame we've exerted upon the world. We can shorten the list by actually forgiving them and then being ever-so careful on who, when and why we blame.
And in the process, we engage and re-engage in our ability to choose, act and live without others knowing exactly where and how to push our self-placed buttons.
If you disagree or don't like this article, don't blame me. Email me your own thoughts. :-)
Jerry Nehr
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