Self Esteem and the Lives We Are Meant to Live

There is no way possible I’d be writing an essay such as this had I not been someone who, earlier in his life, lived much of his days trying to please and appease others. I had made it my business to ensure others were comfortable and happy with me, as much as was in my control – and even then some. I was overly flexible, ridiculously available and unexpressive in my own needs, wants and life’s desires. I did, for most part, what others wanted me to do and lived according to their agendas for them and for me. Though my life was not really mine, I did benefit from this type of placating, inauthentic behavior. I was accepted, popular and could fit in to almost any group or situation. In essence, my self-esteem was…well, not self-esteem.

Okay, fast forward to 2009. Today, I truly enjoy your positive responses to my writings, seminars, presentations, counseling and teaching. And I also appreciate your criticisms, contrarian views and constructive “to do-s” of the aforementioned as well. I delight in the conversations we have about the “stuff of life,” both in and outside the workplace – for it energizes, serves and sustains me. I don’t know what I’d do if I could no longer speak, write and counsel others…landscaping is the only thing that comes to mind.

Now I don’t know if my story resonates with you and your past (or even present) or not. But I do believe that all of us are on a path. My own belief is that this path can only be traversed by us and only us. The authentically lived life can be difficult and even lonely at times. It means we will disappoint people. It means others may not always like us, or even love us. It means we may have to leave groups, situations, jobs and even relationships. But it also comes with great rewards: freedom to be who we are; a life that is congruent with our innermost desires; and peacefulness that who and what we do is not fraudulent, phony or lock-step with other people’s agendas for us.

Abraham Maslow coined the term “self-actualization” to describe the individual who is free from the good opinions of others. This individual, he said, lives her and his life according to their own inner compass. They are not concerned with what others think or say about them. Their self-esteem comes from how they think and feel about themselves...not how others think and feel about them. No easy order, for sure. It takes a lifetime, I think, to figure out the compromises, transitions and courage necessary to live, love, work and learn in a manner consistent with our true nature; at least it will for me. All the while keeping in mind that our best intentions for ourselves are never (always) what others need and want from us.

In the movie “Out of Africa” Robert Redford says to Meryl Streep, “I don’t want to find myself someday at the end of someone else’s life.” I find that phrase gives me a chill as I contemplate my own life. The workplace, the home, the classroom, the boardroom and all the places we live, provide us with opportunities to express who we are. And they also provide us with opportunities to express who we are not. I am responsible for what I say, write and do; and you for you. As our paths converge, diverge and run parallel in all the roles we play, I am of absolute certainty that if we both are genuine and real with each other in whom and what we are, we will discover a place of healthiness and respectability that transcends any conflict, disagreement or imposed will that might otherwise exist.

Our true selves – on the job, on the ball field, during the exam and at the dinner table – shine most prominently when we are simply being ourselves…the person only we can be. God Bless.


Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net