Choosing Our Moods

First question: What kind of mood are you in as you read today's essay? Relaxed? Bored? Grateful? Frustrated? Rushed? Sad? Hopeful? Something else?

Second question: Did you choose your current mood, or did it just come upon you?

If we believe that our mood is "just the mood" that we're in at the moment, then our mood is in charge of many things, yes? How we see others; how we treat others; how we respond to situations; the words we choose; the decisions we make throughout the day and what we believe about ourselves.

Isn't it great when we're in a good mood? Everybody's nicer. We're nicer. We're happier (and healthier, and funnier and more attractive and...). The sun is brighter and the tailgater on the freeway is "probably just in a rush and let's hope for her safety." :-)

But when we're in a bad mood, oh boy! The world is not a place of peace. We look for everything and anything to solidify our notion that "things are pretty screwed up." The job is going nowhere. The economy will never come back. My kids are constantly asking for more, more, more. And what an idiot that guy is, driving so close behind me...I can't wait 'til this day's over.

Just my words and examples, but hopefully you get the spirit of my assertion that we, sometimes, are in receivership of our moods.

But what if we changed the picture. What if we made the decision to choose the mood we wished to be in? That, in fact, our moods were the outcomes of our conscious choices. That, in my mind, would be true personal mastery.

Making the conscious choice to change the mood we're in is a form of self-efficacy (the belief that we can accomplish something). In so doing, we empower ourselves to feel the way we wish to feel. Now feelings of hurt, anger, sorrow and disappointment are natural consequences of life. I, in no way, suggest that these things be repressed, cast aside or expedited before running their due course. What I am suggesting is that our ability as human beings to cultivate a feeling we so desire is not only within our emotional, psychological and spiritual DNA, but also our responsibility to ourselves in relief of the negativity that can permeate our days.

When we CHOOSE...

• gratitude over unhappiness,
• calmness over stress,
• acceptance over victim-hood,
• forgiveness over anger,
• abundance over scarcity,
• being kind over being right,
• lover over fear,
• and patience over control

we are in control of our lives and our moods. Instead of our lives and our moods being determined by the careless driver, the demanding boss, the economy or the car not starting. We always have a choice to decide how we will feel. Feelings follow thoughts - "as we think, so shall we be." It's our corner of freedom.

So try this: Pay attention to your mood for the rest of today. And ask yourself: Is this the mood I wish to be in? And (whether it's a good mood or not) "am I responsible for it?" If you find yourself blaming others for your mood, or wondering how in the heck you got into a particular mood, immediately move your thinking to personal mastery of your thoughts. In other words, what imagery, memories, future plans, or present-moment circumstance can you think of that will take you to a place of goodness?

FYI: I began today's essay in somewhat of a sour mood, so I thought I'd walk my own talk.

Happy mood-ing :-)

Jerry Nehr

Who's to Blame?

The last article I sent out was on forgiveness. In summary, I discussed how forgiving another person frees us from our anger, resentment, pain, etc. towards that person which, subsequently, makes us healthier people. Some of you agreed with me on this assertion, while others of you shared different views of it and, in turn, broadened my own context of the subject.

But as promised, this next topic is about blame. I tie blame in with forgiveness, because in order to forgive, we must have, at some point, blamed. Blame can be a powerful tool to use against others. Blame makes us right and others wrong; a very comfortable place for some of us. Admittedly, it has felt good - for me - to blame others for my predicament, problems and feelings at certain times in my life. It has allowed me the luxury of ignorance, un-examination and self-centeredness. For all I need to do is be external in my thinking: keep looking outward; continue to look for the mistakes, character flaws and poor behavior in other people; assign their transgressions upon me as intentional, malicious and outside my control and I get the free pass. No introspection required.

I don't know about you, but for me, this is no way to live life. When we blame, we are not in control of our thoughts and feelings (I maintain). "If only my wife would not do this" we might say, "then things would be better." Or, "When my boss starts noticing my contributions a little more, than I'll show more initiative." And, "I only yelled back because you were yelling at me." All of these put the power in the hands of others. Every time we blame someone, anyone, for how we are and why we did something, we give away our ability to make choices that are in our best interest. We keep the power in their hands. And guess what? They ain't changing, at least not how and when we want. I've heard it said, "Never underestimate your power to change YOURSELF, but never overestimate your power to change OTHERS."

Whether it's in the workplace, the schoolyard, the home, the neighborhood or the privacy of our own minds, the blame we exert unto others keeps us anchored as victims. Now we all fall victim to others at some point in our lives, whether they be criminals, angry people, intolerant spouses, abusive parents, hostile coworkers, reckless drivers or bullies. These things occur and, much of the time, there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do about it. But our ability to choose how we react to those people is our corner of freedom.

(Read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" for one of the most compelling reads ever on personal responsibility, accountability and choosing life in the face of pain, hopelessness and despair.)

As we find ourselves needing to forgive, we can also ask ourselves, "at what point did I blame this person, people or circumstance and why?"

So here are a few tips on reducing blame in your life:

• Look at the person or circumstance that is causing you pain or discomfort as teachers who are here to provide you with the lessons you need to grow.
• Ask yourself, "what have I done, or what was I doing that invited in this person or situation to cause this anger, frustration, etc.?"
• Ask yourself this question: "How do I teach others to treat me?"
• Ask yourself what you get out of blaming others for your problems, irritations, etc. If it's to NOT address our own issues, which it just might be, then your willingness to blame only delays your personal growth and happiness.
• Get in the habit of not taking things personally. If someone calls you a jerk, and you respond in a jerk-life manner, who's got the problem? :-)

Once we blame, the next step is forgiveness - if we desire a mentally and emotionally healthy life. Our own list of forgive-ees is indicative of the blame we've exerted upon the world. We can shorten the list by actually forgiving them and then being ever-so careful on who, when and why we blame.

And in the process, we engage and re-engage in our ability to choose, act and live without others knowing exactly where and how to push our self-placed buttons.

If you disagree or don't like this article, don't blame me. Email me your own thoughts. :-)

Jerry Nehr

Forgiveness...

It is not only a word used these days from the throes of the church pulpit or the marriage counseling office. The Amish community exemplified it a couple years back as they asked us all to forgive the man who murdered their young girls in a schoolroom in their community; even attempting to comfort the family of the murderer in the days that followed the massacre. Physicians are slower these days to dispel the physical, mental and emotional healing power of forgiveness on both the forgiver and the forgiven. Some political figures even promote this idea of forgiveness in their platform of ideologies and promises, as it's a sure attractor of folks from all walks of life. Suffice it to say "forgiveness" enjoys broad appeal in its capability to enhance human relationships and individual growth.

But how can we use it as a viable and effective workplace leadership tool? After all, isn't it quite easy (or at least habitual) to hold on to grudges and resentments? Cannot this holding on even move us, temporarily (and perhaps longer), to a level that reminds those that have wronged us that, well, they wronged us! Does not the act of forgiveness "reinstate" the relationship and potentially send the message to the wrong-doer that they are "off the hook" for their transgressions? Yah, forgiveness can do all of those things too I suppose.

But many of us have been holding on to pain and hurt for so long that it seems quite natural to NOT forgive and to just move on with our daily tasks. Forgiveness can be hard. Forgiveness requires letting go. Forgiveness reminds the ego that it is not in charge. Forgiveness, however, does not nullify past events. It simply changes the way in which we think about the person(s) who harmed us. Indeed, forgiveness frees us from the anger, resentment and hurt that we harbor against others. Finally, forgiveness, as I have heard it defined so poetically by an author whom, unfortunately, I cannot recall, is the fragrance that the flower sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

So, how do we use forgiveness to advance the workplace relationships that inevitably impact tangible stuff like performance, satisfaction and results? Consider the following questions in response to my above, rhetorical question:

• Do anger, grudges and resentment infiltrate your immediate work space?
• Is there a person you work with who you need to forgive?
• Are phrases such as, "I'm sorry," "I was wrong," "I forgive you," and "please forgive me" spoken in your work area on a regular basis or ever?
• Are YOU hesitant to offer these above phrases to coworkers out of fear, embarrassment or lack of comfort in saying them because of how you think you'll be perceived by others?
• How could a short, positive and constructive-based conversation between you and another employee, with whom you've had "words" with, create a more workable and less-stressed relationship?
• Have you thought lately about your own flaws, mistakes, misjudgments and personal history and how forgiveness - towards yourself - might elevate your personal worth, self-esteem and peace of mind?

The older and - dare I say - wiser I become, the more reflective I am of the individuals in my life that I still need to forgive, including myself. I know that as long as I hold on to any smatterings of hurt that they or I imposed on me, I will continue to be hostage to that woe.

Just because we're at work does not mean we are cut-off from using the act of forgiveness as a healing device to improve relationships.

Forgiveness equals freedom, but it comes at a price. The price is that you'll have to let go of whatever it was that was keeping you from forgiving. But once un-tethered from the anger, grudges, resentments and pettiness you've been holding on to, the possibilities of leading, serving, helping and making more money (if that's your desire) are abundant.

Next time I'll talk about "blame," the predecessor to forgiveness.

Good day!

Jerry M. Nehr, Jr.

Self Esteem and the Lives We Are Meant to Live

There is no way possible I’d be writing an essay such as this had I not been someone who, earlier in his life, lived much of his days trying to please and appease others. I had made it my business to ensure others were comfortable and happy with me, as much as was in my control – and even then some. I was overly flexible, ridiculously available and unexpressive in my own needs, wants and life’s desires. I did, for most part, what others wanted me to do and lived according to their agendas for them and for me. Though my life was not really mine, I did benefit from this type of placating, inauthentic behavior. I was accepted, popular and could fit in to almost any group or situation. In essence, my self-esteem was…well, not self-esteem.

Okay, fast forward to 2009. Today, I truly enjoy your positive responses to my writings, seminars, presentations, counseling and teaching. And I also appreciate your criticisms, contrarian views and constructive “to do-s” of the aforementioned as well. I delight in the conversations we have about the “stuff of life,” both in and outside the workplace – for it energizes, serves and sustains me. I don’t know what I’d do if I could no longer speak, write and counsel others…landscaping is the only thing that comes to mind.

Now I don’t know if my story resonates with you and your past (or even present) or not. But I do believe that all of us are on a path. My own belief is that this path can only be traversed by us and only us. The authentically lived life can be difficult and even lonely at times. It means we will disappoint people. It means others may not always like us, or even love us. It means we may have to leave groups, situations, jobs and even relationships. But it also comes with great rewards: freedom to be who we are; a life that is congruent with our innermost desires; and peacefulness that who and what we do is not fraudulent, phony or lock-step with other people’s agendas for us.

Abraham Maslow coined the term “self-actualization” to describe the individual who is free from the good opinions of others. This individual, he said, lives her and his life according to their own inner compass. They are not concerned with what others think or say about them. Their self-esteem comes from how they think and feel about themselves...not how others think and feel about them. No easy order, for sure. It takes a lifetime, I think, to figure out the compromises, transitions and courage necessary to live, love, work and learn in a manner consistent with our true nature; at least it will for me. All the while keeping in mind that our best intentions for ourselves are never (always) what others need and want from us.

In the movie “Out of Africa” Robert Redford says to Meryl Streep, “I don’t want to find myself someday at the end of someone else’s life.” I find that phrase gives me a chill as I contemplate my own life. The workplace, the home, the classroom, the boardroom and all the places we live, provide us with opportunities to express who we are. And they also provide us with opportunities to express who we are not. I am responsible for what I say, write and do; and you for you. As our paths converge, diverge and run parallel in all the roles we play, I am of absolute certainty that if we both are genuine and real with each other in whom and what we are, we will discover a place of healthiness and respectability that transcends any conflict, disagreement or imposed will that might otherwise exist.

Our true selves – on the job, on the ball field, during the exam and at the dinner table – shine most prominently when we are simply being ourselves…the person only we can be. God Bless.


Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net