Our Fears

As a little boy, I was afraid of not doing well in school, disappointing my parents and the bully who lived around the corner from me. As a teenager, I was afraid of rejection from girls, not playing well in basketball games and, again, not doing well in school. As a young man I adopted a fear of heights which stayed with me up until just a couple of years ago when, finally, I decided I didn't need that one anymore. Today, I'm afraid of my son getting hurt and a few other things I'll leave out due to privacy and remembering not to make this too much about me. :-)

Being afraid is not an easy thing for some of us to admit. Many of us have been programmed to believe that being afraid is a weakness. Thus, our feelings of anxiety, doubt, hesitation and outright fear often do not see the light of day in our conversations, both in and outside the workplace. Oh, we might discuss our deepest fears with those closest to us, but some of us don't even do that. Or we might share a generally agreed upon, quite common fear such as spiders or public speaking with a friend or acquaintance in the workplace or at a party. But fear, from my vantage point, does not enjoy the same attention and public discourse that are received by other emotions such as love, anger, happiness and feelings of success. Why is this? What keeps us from addressing our fears and what do we get out of holding on to them? Is there a connection between our fears and our quality of life? Where is fear "inter-fear-ing" in our lives and what is the resultant impact?

I am of the belief that fear contributes a great deal to our personal flaws, anxieties, arguments, wars, crimes, addictions and societal disconnect as manifested in the homes, neighborhoods, schools, work settings and planet as a whole. If we think about the public debates that go on, there appears to be something that keeps the opposing sides disliking, disrespecting and disconnecting with each other. This fear (I'll call it) seems to be the presiding impetus between many varying positions:

• Liberals fear the NRA - Conservatives fear the ACLU.
• Management fears that unions have become too powerful - Unions fear that management will not give them a fair stake in the company.
• Whites fear that blacks will move into "their" neighborhoods - Blacks fear that whites will keep them out of the board room.
• Environmentalists fear Big Oil - Big Oil fears Al Gore and Thomas Friedman.
• "The Church" fears gay marriage and abortion - Gays and Pro-Choice folks fear Rush.
• Ad Infinitum...

Now before you jam up the comments section of this blog and my email, please know that I know that these above statements are not true for all people all the time. Indeed, these stereotypes are, by definition, false. My attempt to draw a point about some of our collective fears, I hope, is not lost in these over-generalized examples.

Perhaps my conveyance of this topic might be made more tangible and applicable to you with these final set of questions:

• Do you fear that your boss does not have your best, professional interest in mind?
• Are you afraid of looking weak, unintelligent, incompetent and unqualified?
• Do you fear the prospect of not having enough money to pay your bills?
• Do you hesitate to let your children play with others outside his/her race?
• Do you hesitate to share information with others in the workplace for fear that you'll lose your power and "in the know" status?
• Are you afraid to die?
• Are you afraid of speaking to a group of people where you are the center of attention?
• Do you shy away from others socially and professionally who - you believe - are not in the same income range as yourself?
• Are you afraid of never losing the weight you'd like to lose?
• Do you resist listening to someone whose opinion you disagree with?
• Are you afraid of not accomplishing all you wish to accomplish in this life?
• Are you quick to judge the younger generation as being too high tech, disloyal to tradition and fast-paced?
• Do you believe that the elderly still have much to teach you?
• Are you afraid to let go of your judgments, biases, prejudices and comfort zones?
• Will you try something new today that is uncertain, risky and uncomfortable, but which might enhance your growth and happiness?
• Do you have the courage and wherewithal to challenge your long-held belief systems in order to expand your circle of friends, experiences and awareness?
• Do you see others as being more like you or less like you?
• Are you tired of the separation between blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, Arabs, Native Americans, gays, straights, Democrats, Republicans, men, women, the rich, the poor, Muslims, Jews, Christians, Atheists, neighborhoods, unions, management, departments and coworkers?

In his March 4, 1933 Inaugural Address to the Nation, Franklin Delano Roosevelt uttered these famous words, "...the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

As I shed my fear of heights awhile back, I opened up a whole new freedom for myself. I realized that what I was missing - the experience of being high up and seeing things from a different perspective - was more important than being afraid. It's not rocket science to overcome your fears. It takes a willingness to change. It takes an ability to see beyond who you think you are TO who you'd still like to be.

I wish you blessed success in overcoming any judgments, doubts and fears in your life...

Jerry M. Nehr, Jr.

http://www.creativediscoveries.net/

The Power of Giving

I know all of you either well, barely or somewhere in the space between. For my clients, I give you a presentation, a training or coaching time and you give me money or the opportunity to speak to lots of people…who might, down the line, hire me and give me money as well. For my friends, I give you my friendship and you give me yours. We might even exchange gifts during the holidays and our birthdays, those 3 of us. :-) For those of you I barely know, perhaps I only give you today’s essay. And maybe at some future date you might give me an email letting me know you enjoyed reading it…or not.

What I am thinking about, though, at this time, and what I wish to convey, is this behavior of giving that we all take part in. Though it’s trendy to quote him, Abraham Lincoln was noted for saying, “when I do good, I feel good.” I think that holds true for me. Not too difficult to think about: simple, rational, linear and with a cool payoff. Great! Just gotta’ take the initiative. Here’s some initiatives I’ve seen from others recently…

• The other day (late June), I woman in a HUGE Hummer (well they’re all huge, aren’t they) stopped at the corner of 7 mile and I-94, here in Detroit, rolled down her window, and gave a sandwich to a man standing on the corner with a sign that read: “Hungry, please help.” I sped up to her once we entered the freeway, looked over, waved and smiled. She knew what I was doing and she smiled back. I guess I just wanted to “tell” her that her actions were appreciated, even from a bystander’s perspective.

• The man who stands out in front of the Guardian Building on Griswold Street in downtown Detroit with the red suit and top hat and greets people as they enter this building. I’ve seen him there for years now. Never once have I asked him his name. Nor have I engaged him in anything relevant beyond the weather. Mostly it’s a simple “hello” when I walk in and “take care” when walk out. But this man is unforgettable. He’s a tall, handsome, black man with a smile that lights up your day. He’s always joyous (at least in his appearance) and exudes a warmth and assuredness of himself that inspires me up whenever I see him…I’m waiting for him to adopt me. He’s that cool.

• A former training participant of mine who made me a tie and my wife a scarf (beautiful stuff Kim!) because she so enjoyed the session I facilitated and wanted to give me something in return.


I’ve heard it said that the only thing we get to do with our lives is give them away. There is such a transient nature to much of our living, is there not? Careers, families, health, possessions, love, friendships, all of these things have the potential to come and go, and most of them do. But the one thing that is always at our disposal is our ability to give, right up ‘til the end. I know what it feels like to truly help someone who needs help. It is a remarkable feeling. And I know that you know that feeling as well, because you do it too – in your own special way.

So I’ll leave you with this: I firmly believe that when we give of ourselves, we create the possibility of living a life of abundance and prosperity. If you’re looking for success, help others be successful. The key is just not to expect, anticipate or need it in return…a sometimes tricky reconciliation.

Please share your stories – if you might – of how you’ve been impacted by other’s giving nature. For there’s awesome power in stories.


By,

Jerry Nehr

Gratitude

QUESTION: What is the morale like, overall, in your work area?

ANOTHER QUESTION: What is your consistent attitude toward,
• the work you do?
• the individuals with whom you work?
• the consumers, clients and fellow employees of whom you serve?

LAST QUESTION (for now): Do you believe that these aforementioned concepts (“morale” and “attitude”) impact such things as: worker productivity, program effectiveness, employee retention, worker safety, operating expenses, employee turnover, worker absenteeism and tardiness, consumer satisfaction, patient care, supplier relationships, community partner longevity, employee performance, constituent support and the overall PUBLIC TRUST???

For now, suffice to say that, how we think and behave in the workplace impacts everything that the workplace is in place for.

I was told by a friend a couple of summers ago on a clear sunny day when my mood was less than chipper, that “you cannot be unhappy and grateful at the same time…try it Jerry,” he said. I did. Like opposing magnetic fields, gratitude and unhappiness repel each other; as do happiness and ungratefulness…at least they do for me.

When we emerge as leaders (formal and informal), our impact on others expands, whether we like it, and ask for it, or not. This exponential impact can be cherished or abused – with all the muckiness in between.

Whatever title you hold in the workplace, you are leading and impacting people. Whether you work in the executive suite, the cafeteria, marketing, the production line, HR, public works or legal, the breadth and depth of your influence is great. And I’m not just talking about influence while at work. The people you are “leading” discuss YOU at their dinner tables and on their vacations and at the gym and, well, you know where else, because you do the same thing, and so do I. And I don’t have to tell you - but I will - that not all of what they are discussing positions you in a positive light.

But whether or not you agree with my assertion about your impact to this extent, my question to all of us is this:

Are we willing to take a close look at our own attitude and morale in the workplace? Not other’s attitude and morale, but ours…the only one we can control.

If so, then leading others through a mindset of “servitude” is possible. But the key is this oft-forgotten virtue – gratitude. The willingness to give of our talents and energy for the betterment of others is highest when we are grateful, simply, for that opportunity. However, as “power” works its magic on our egos and our self-importance, we can easily lose that inspiration to serve and instead demand to be served. That ever happen to you or those around you? It obviously happens to some more so than others. But we all fall fray to our “larger than life ideas” of who we think we are. Yet it takes a keen desire to be of use to others in order to get out of that trap. When gratitude is given the helm, only then can we right ourselves back to service. No easy task, for sure. Everyday, good leaders (and bad ones) are continually thrown off course due to a lack of gratitude in serving and helping other people. The examples are numerous, both nationally and locally.

And the interesting thing is that without gratitude, other virtues struggle to surface. Think about it. Try to be empathic without being grateful. Try to think in abundance while being ungrateful. Try holding on to a grudge and not forgive someone and at the same time be honest and genuine in your gratitude of having them in your life. It ain’t easy.

In moving forward as leaders, our gratitude plays a most important role. Those of you who feel fortunate to assist others in the community (and in the workplace) and see your “work” as a vehicle in which to utilize your talents and energy to give and serve, then your leadership is invaluable to this region. It’s invaluable to this state. And it’s invaluable to me if I report to you! And the inverse of all that applies as well…

When we measure and report out on the bottom-line indicators mentioned earlier (retention, absenteeism, satisfaction, etc.), careful consideration should also be given as to how those numbers are shaped. Annual reports, financial statements, annual reviews (if given), figures, data, percentages, stats, and analyses that tell a story of the “state of the area” are all impacted (to a large extent) by the individuals performing the tasks at hand. These reports come from somewhere. And that somewhere is in the energy of the people performing the duties that make up these nicely-packaged summaries.

We must not overlook “gratitude” just because it’s not a business term; or because it’s not talked about at weekly meetings; or because it’s not as easily measured as productivity. Gratitude drives the “spirit” of our work. The trick is, first, how to make “available” the immeasurable (spirit, inspiration, spiritual-ness, gratitude) components of the job; and then how to connect them to tangible, and performance-driven variables. This duality is our challenge when living the life of a Servant Leader.

By:
Jerry M. Nehr, Jr.

Compassion

Who are your greatest teachers in life? Think about this question for just a moment. I, personally, have been blessed beyond words by some extraordinary individuals who have crossed my life and who have impacted me tremendously. I call them my teachers. I am, in large part, the person I am because of these folks. And I will tell you this, not all of them have been the most compassionate people on this planet at particular moments. Nor the most educated or particularly concerned about my best welfare. Some of course, without question, have. Some have loved me, and continue to love me, despite my shortcomings. Many are gifted writers, speakers, educators and leaders. Most are family members and friends. They are, however, not the ones I want to tell you about.

Instead, I want to tell you about some other people: the antagonists, the petty tyrants, the ones who “get” to me – until I “get” it. The ones for whom I’ve had the least amount of compassion. Some of these individuals have graced my life for just a second or two, some have played longer roles. All have pushed my buttons. And from my perspective, until I change, they will continue to show up in my life.

• One is a former boss whose autocratic and critical style of leadership was influential in urging me to take the risk and go out on my own to work for myself and, subsequently, do the work I love to do this day. A “nice” boss, perhaps, might have kept me in that job (of which I found quite dissatisfying) a little longer than I needed or wanted to be.

• Another “teacher” of mine is “that participant” in my training session who knows more than I do about a particular area of diversity or leadership and is not shy about letting me and others know this – most of the time in a very respectful and professional manner – but not always! :-)

• Yet more are those who do not embrace diversity in the workplace and who believe that Servant Leadership is simply not a viable option in getting others to do what you want them to do. My work, in fact a good part of my life, I have devoted to these two aforementioned ideals. How dare they dispute their relevance!!! These people are, in fact again, my teachers. They, more so even than those of you who agree with me on the diversity and Servant Leadership fronts, teach me that there is diversity in opinion and that there is tolerance and compassion to be administered if I truly want to be a Servant Leader and not just facilitate Servant Leadership seminars.

• And finally, there are those individuals in my life who have looked at me with disapproval, waived at me with one particular finger on I-94, not let me in while attempting to merge, rolled their eyes at me when I stated something I believed to be important, wrote down discouraging remarks on training evaluation forms, and put me on hold for 5 minutes.

All of these individuals continue to reach me and teach me in ways that I (in all my shortsightedness) do not always find helpful. Yet the one thing they have in common is their seemingly lack of compassion for me at the moment, which, in turn, reminds me of how in-compassionate I have been and can be towards others. Their lesson plan for the day seems to be to “get” me to think about what else might be going on with them. Do I really know – do I indeed have proof - that something truly critical is not happening in their lives that temporarily prevents them from giving me their best at the moment – or perhaps even that month? Am I prophetic enough to know of their personal demons, current life situation and day to day challenges that stretch them to the limit? No. I, for one, am not.

And, am I wise enough to acknowledge that this Earth will still spin and the majority of people in it will function quite well, save for a select few, if I depart tonight?

What I can do (if I’m enough aware), when these “teachers,” disguised as bandits of my happiness, offer up their lessons, is offer back compassion; compassion for them as another person who goes through all the things I go through only with different people, in a slightly different type of setting, with different experiences and in a different physical appearance.

If I can do this, then maybe I get to be the teacher at that moment...

By,

Jerry M. Nehr, Jr.
Creative Discoveries Training and Consulting