I remember thinking, as a little boy, about the horrors of burning in hell if I lived a life that was not up to God's standards. How could one just keep burning like that? Certainly goes against the laws of thermodynamics. Seeing pictures in religious books of people in flames and hearing the fire and brimstone speeches of my Bible teacher at the Baptist school I attended in junior high were enough for me to begin my life-long questioning of what happens to us when we die. So about the age of 10 I subsequently began my quest to become a saint. Wasn't crazy about the idea of having to be dead in order to get this promotion, but nonetheless, I was going for it. No way was I getting charred for eternity. I touched the stove...that was enough.
This lasted for one summer. I did everything right. Didn't fight with friends, rode my bike on the sidewalk and not the grass (really), prayed every single, stinking night, listened to what my parents told me and then actually did it, and in truth, found it to be a big pain in the butt...by September I was spent and had resumed the sneaky, trouble-making ways of my short 10 years. But the damage had been done. The fire, within me, stoked. And I began wondering why God wouldn't want us all back with him. After all, this was his setup.
We start with him. We come here. We're given a body...great. It dies. They all do. We know this. See, the instructions before conception are given...
GOD: There are your parents.
US: Them?
GOD: Best we got at this moment.
US: Can we see who's up next?
GOD: No. They're about ready.
US: Can I stay here with you?
GOD: Uh, why don't ya go with them. I'll be here when you're done.
US: Done with what?
GOD: Your body.
US: That thing? Looks restricting.
GOD: Yep.
US: So how long do I have to stay?
GOD: How long you wanna stay?
US: Can I play it by ear?
GOD: You got 12 years.
US: That's it?!
GOD: It's all I need from you.
US: So this is all about you?
GOD: I love you. Good luck.
And off we go. While on Earth, we behave well at times and not so well at others. We have pain and pleasure. We laugh and we cry. And we never forget that we are going to die. The reminders are all around us; namely other people dying. One minute here and then...not here. But where the hell would we go if not back to him? That's where we started, right? Aren't we returning? Plus, God seemed so nice. Would he really send us...ahem, down there? He did say, "I'll be here when you're done." Was that only for certain people? What about those who didn't follow the rules? Or didn't believe the way a book told them to believe?
If heaven is seen as a place of reward, well then sure, let those who fought the good fight, in. All others, go to...you know. But maybe it's something different.
12 years later...
US: So this is heaven?
GOD: Nope.
US: Then where is it?
GOD: You just left it.
US: What? That? That was heaven? All that stuff happening on Earth?
GOD: Yep.
US: I thought heaven was wonderful?
GOD: It is.
US: That is not what I had envisioned.
GOD: You wanted something more like in the pictures. Harps? Angels? Flowing robes? Bearded white guy?
US: Kinda.
GOD: When people are born, they go to heaven. When they die, they come back to me. Heaven is just the name associated with me. Don't be confused. Everyone who chooses life goes to heaven. And don't let the label of me and marketing fool you. I am not bound by any descriptions, words, pictures nor teachings. I am much more than that...and so are you.
US: So, the stove?
GOD: Hot as hell, eh?
Pondering the possibility...for heaven's sake, have fun today!
Jerry Nehr
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Inspiration. We know it when we feel it. Perhaps we hear a song, whose lyrics touch us in remembrance of someone; or a child, burrowed deep in her stroller, smiles at us with her eyes, as all babies do; or an actor on the stage, who in playing his part, influences us to make a change in what we’re doing with our lives. Or maybe it’s the street beggar with the cardboard sign whose face is really God, in all His distressing disguises.
I only write about this now, because I feel inspired…now. And I don’t want to let it pass me by. I’ve done that too many times…felt something and then did nothing about it. I want to heed the call. To write something – something that will impact you to think about stuff, to do something, to share your own thoughts and inspirations, I don’t know.
I do believe that when we are inspired (Latin: To Breathe In), we are in tune with what others need, including ourselves. The words flow from our mouths and we say the right thing at just the right time. The mind is at ease and is fully accepting of ourselves, just as we are. The senses are sharp and finely focused. And the anxiety of believing that we will fall short in any of these aforementioned endeavors is not even within the subset of our thinking. We are “in spirit.”
One of the least strenuous, inexpensive and most powerful ways to inspire others (and ourselves) is through a smile. It conveys that we have taken notice and have acknowledged their presence. Think about it. When we smile at someone, we connect with them, if only momentarily. It’s powerful. Sure, it passes, the smile and the feeling. But contact was made and the goodness in it, etched. The moment, seized. And our expression, though brief and fleeting, is logged with all those other little cozy, warm nuggets of niceties they get (hopefully) that day; and they with yours. It can change things, let us not doubt that.
We all want our lives to be meaningful, I think. We want to reinforce, for maybe no one but ourselves, that we are here for a reason and are, in fact, adding to the collective good. Moments are continuous; a steady stream of lights, sounds and movements. We are destined to live them, one at a time. Each one brings possibilities to serve and to connect. I remember reading, somewhere, that only the poets and the saints enjoy each and every moment. Though an interesting point of view, who knows if it contains any truth.
But whether we’re a saint or a sinner, our decision to help someone feel special and important is always a choice. And in so doing, we say to ourselves, others and God that we have a purpose and that our lives are available for usage. And that inspires. That connects us. And the changes, big and small, that we want to make in our lives, depends upon all of us breathing in whatever goodness others choose to offer us...knowing all along that we are never alone.
Jerry Nehr
http://www.creativediscoveries.net
I only write about this now, because I feel inspired…now. And I don’t want to let it pass me by. I’ve done that too many times…felt something and then did nothing about it. I want to heed the call. To write something – something that will impact you to think about stuff, to do something, to share your own thoughts and inspirations, I don’t know.
I do believe that when we are inspired (Latin: To Breathe In), we are in tune with what others need, including ourselves. The words flow from our mouths and we say the right thing at just the right time. The mind is at ease and is fully accepting of ourselves, just as we are. The senses are sharp and finely focused. And the anxiety of believing that we will fall short in any of these aforementioned endeavors is not even within the subset of our thinking. We are “in spirit.”
One of the least strenuous, inexpensive and most powerful ways to inspire others (and ourselves) is through a smile. It conveys that we have taken notice and have acknowledged their presence. Think about it. When we smile at someone, we connect with them, if only momentarily. It’s powerful. Sure, it passes, the smile and the feeling. But contact was made and the goodness in it, etched. The moment, seized. And our expression, though brief and fleeting, is logged with all those other little cozy, warm nuggets of niceties they get (hopefully) that day; and they with yours. It can change things, let us not doubt that.
We all want our lives to be meaningful, I think. We want to reinforce, for maybe no one but ourselves, that we are here for a reason and are, in fact, adding to the collective good. Moments are continuous; a steady stream of lights, sounds and movements. We are destined to live them, one at a time. Each one brings possibilities to serve and to connect. I remember reading, somewhere, that only the poets and the saints enjoy each and every moment. Though an interesting point of view, who knows if it contains any truth.
But whether we’re a saint or a sinner, our decision to help someone feel special and important is always a choice. And in so doing, we say to ourselves, others and God that we have a purpose and that our lives are available for usage. And that inspires. That connects us. And the changes, big and small, that we want to make in our lives, depends upon all of us breathing in whatever goodness others choose to offer us...knowing all along that we are never alone.
Jerry Nehr
http://www.creativediscoveries.net
Monday, April 23, 2012
Key West, Yoga and Dreaming
If it was just me, I would move to Key West for one year, rent a one bedroom house and write. I'd probably need to make money during that time, so I'd have to get a job doing something. I've been a bartender, that might work. Though I don't know if that's me anymore. I've been in sales, maybe real estate. But I hated sales. Wait, this is just a fantasy anyway. I'd already have a boatload of money, so I wouldn't have to work! Whew, ok, back to the story.
I would live very casually...which is just about the only thing ya really do down there. I can see it now, write in the morning, just like Hemingway did, then spend the rest of the day talking with strange people, taking yoga, eating lots a conch fritters, and drinking rum. I don't even like rum, but it goes with this story. I'm sure there's a shark in there somewhere too...
After a year, I'd submit my book to a publisher. It would be a bestseller, right? And I'd then begin the book signing and, of course, speaking tour. Maybe it's a self-help book...who knows....details, details....
Then I'd come home. Back to Michigan. Family, friends, work, Sunday night basketball with my buddies, community theatre with another group of friends (these two groups don't intersect), and Caribou Coffee, where I'm at right now.
See, when we dream, we create a new mental picture in our minds of what is possible. It may or may not happen in the world of tangibility....only God and the gods know that.
But what dreams do (waking ones and those in our sleep) is they take us to places where our imagination is free to explore, fantasize and let go, if you will. That is what we want for our children, yes? The freedom to travel mentally? To entertain the infinite possibilities of this world? To be unafraid to dream and hope and, well, believe in the power of themselves and God?
I may never write that book in Key West, or maybe I will. But that's not even the point. I am open to it. I am not closing any doors. And I know I am not alone in this type of thinking. You all have stuff like this tucked away in your hearts. Whether you are 18 or 80.
So I encourage you to dream. To suspend your disbelief. To never let go of that little kid in you who knew she could fly and who knew he'd save the planet from evil.
It's not the outcome that matters; though pragmatists may differ. It's the courage of our faith. Our corner of freedom is to think and dream the way we want. Nothing on this planet began without these predecessors.
Every now and then, we all need to be kids. My son, age 10, truly believes he will be a rock star, professional actor and Zoologist. Not either or, but all of them. I have never once told him he won't.
The messages we send to ourselves and our children our life changing. I send you all dream-filled messages today....
Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net
www.creativediscoveries.net
I would live very casually...which is just about the only thing ya really do down there. I can see it now, write in the morning, just like Hemingway did, then spend the rest of the day talking with strange people, taking yoga, eating lots a conch fritters, and drinking rum. I don't even like rum, but it goes with this story. I'm sure there's a shark in there somewhere too...
After a year, I'd submit my book to a publisher. It would be a bestseller, right? And I'd then begin the book signing and, of course, speaking tour. Maybe it's a self-help book...who knows....details, details....
Then I'd come home. Back to Michigan. Family, friends, work, Sunday night basketball with my buddies, community theatre with another group of friends (these two groups don't intersect), and Caribou Coffee, where I'm at right now.
See, when we dream, we create a new mental picture in our minds of what is possible. It may or may not happen in the world of tangibility....only God and the gods know that.
But what dreams do (waking ones and those in our sleep) is they take us to places where our imagination is free to explore, fantasize and let go, if you will. That is what we want for our children, yes? The freedom to travel mentally? To entertain the infinite possibilities of this world? To be unafraid to dream and hope and, well, believe in the power of themselves and God?
I may never write that book in Key West, or maybe I will. But that's not even the point. I am open to it. I am not closing any doors. And I know I am not alone in this type of thinking. You all have stuff like this tucked away in your hearts. Whether you are 18 or 80.
So I encourage you to dream. To suspend your disbelief. To never let go of that little kid in you who knew she could fly and who knew he'd save the planet from evil.
It's not the outcome that matters; though pragmatists may differ. It's the courage of our faith. Our corner of freedom is to think and dream the way we want. Nothing on this planet began without these predecessors.
Every now and then, we all need to be kids. My son, age 10, truly believes he will be a rock star, professional actor and Zoologist. Not either or, but all of them. I have never once told him he won't.
The messages we send to ourselves and our children our life changing. I send you all dream-filled messages today....
Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net
www.creativediscoveries.net
Monday, April 2, 2012
We Are Not Our Past
We live linearly, most of us. We use calendars, clocks, and other time measurement devices to separate things as they occur. Something happens, then something else happens, then another thing, and another thing and we say, “oh, this happened then, that happened at that particular time, this is happening now, that is taking place tomorrow” and so forth. It’s quite an invention, time. It keeps us on schedule and moving in a direction of which we can track. The thing about time is that it moves forward. Watches do not go backwards, nor are they 360 degree orbs, and calendars have names of months which are always in order. April follows March, always. So what we have, then, is a continual assortment of past moments which are at our disposal to think about, judge, and make assessments as to their impact on us. “Yesterday was awful.” “I had a good year last year.” “My childhood was rotten.” “I’m glad the month is over.” “Man, the morning was awesome.” ….and so on. It also helps us determine how old we are, and, for many, when to go to bed and when to get up. It surely keeps the greeting card business thriving. Where would they be if there were no calendars to indicate important dates throughout the year?
So this past is ever-present in our lives. We cannot help but have one. Even the infant born just now has a past, which now is 2 seconds old. But it, this past, is not reality…not anymore. It was real when it happened. Now it’s just something that happened that is not happening now. What’s happening now is now. But here is where the tricky business of time comes in. Because the past is made up of moments we lived and now have memories of, we can use them as guides in how we will live now. In other words, this trail we leave behind becomes an energizing force for our present moment decision-making. But just as the wake of a boat – the trail left behind – cannot drive the boat (only the present moment energy of the engine or wind can move the boat), so too is it not possible for past events to drive our present moments. But I believe that that is exactly what many of us do, myself surely included. That is, allow “yesterday” to determine how we live today.
In reaching back (mentally and emotionally), we might think about what we have done, how things turned out, the decisions we made that caused us to think and feel in a particular manner, and what our mind, body and spirit went through at a particular time. We can look back at all the joy, pain, heartache, unfulfilled promises, ecstasy, grief, loneliness, unconditional love and conditional love, death of loved ones, divorce, disease, addiction, moments of heavenly bliss and the innumerable thoughts and feelings personal to only us and use that, if we wish, to decide how today will go.
In reaching back (mentally and emotionally), we might think about what we have done, how things turned out, the decisions we made that caused us to think and feel in a particular manner, and what our mind, body and spirit went through at a particular time. We can look back at all the joy, pain, heartache, unfulfilled promises, ecstasy, grief, loneliness, unconditional love and conditional love, death of loved ones, divorce, disease, addiction, moments of heavenly bliss and the innumerable thoughts and feelings personal to only us and use that, if we wish, to decide how today will go.
I’ve had many clients tell me “this is just how I am,” “it’s always been this way with me,” and “I’ve never been able to do that.” All of these statements indicate a reliance on what happened in their past which subsequently influences what they believe will occur today.
Now, the events of yesterday occurred. I am not suggesting we discard them and pretend they did not happen. We can honor them for all they did and were. In fact, everything in our past has gotten us to this very moment. Everything. That is important. We are only here now because the past happened. But it needed to go. If it stayed, there’d be no now. Ok, just a bit more.
In asking you to believe that you are not your past, I am really asking you – and me – to find the strength to overcome whatever happened to us yesterday and move to a place where NOW is the energizing force for change, acceptance, love and growth. Just put all my eggs in now’s basket, eh Jerry? Uh, yes. There is no basket for anything else. The basket of a moment ago has been used, you used it. And tomorrow’s basket is not ready yet; you’ll fill that then, which will really, then, be now...hmmm.
My own evidence in our ability to move past the past lies in my own story and the stories of those I’ve been privileged to hear. You have your own evidence as well; your own story. People do stop drinking and using drugs, though their past was ridden with it. Real love is found, even if eluded in earlier years. Passions are found daily, from individuals who had never thought it possible to love something as much as they do today. Weight is lost, marathons are run, sicknesses are cast out, and the infinite nature of our being are uncovered in our darkest hours because we made a decision to not allow what happened “before” to happen “now.”
So, do you have a tendency to emphasize the “then” more than the “now?” If so, try succumbing to the belief that all of our energy for change and whatever we wish to be and do, exists only in the moment. That’s the fascinating thing about energy – it fills only the now, not the past or the future. In our neglect of the moment, we pass up the opportunity to tap into this present moment energy, which I believe is God. But you call it what you wish.
I write this today only because I have known myself to dwell on the past and think that things will always be the same. Then, something happens. I focus on the moment, where all of my living actually occurs. And I get a glimpse into the wonder and miracle of being open to whatever this energizing force has to offer, here and now. Only here and now…
Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net
Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Handshakes, Voices and Hugs
As I typed the title of this essay, I simultaneously contemplated the return emails of those unsubscribing from my list! Fret not loyal ones, I’m moving forward with my thoughts…but I’m also bracing for some opposition. :-)
See, I need more handshakes and I need to hear more voices and, yes, I need more hugs. And I need these things from YOU! Now I have plenty of love and human, physical contact in my personal life. I am quite blessed, I must say, in this arena. I was raised in a home where hugs, kisses and pats on the back were commonplace. And I am doing the same with my family today. It’s just the way we do it. Not right, not wrong, just our way.
But I’m worried. I’m worried that my son might “text” his way to the prom, in spite of my wife and my best intentions to criminalize Wii and DS in our home. I’m concerned that Face Book and Twitter will corner the market on the human art of following. I’m equally worried that our society is heading down a road where people live part of their lives in the snippets, clichés and anecdotal information they share on the fly between the real stuff of home, work and community.
We’re already here: online interviewing, cyber dating, the narcissism of Face Book (and yes, I subscribe); the nuttiness of telling all of your “friends” what you’re thinking, doing and feeling via your cell phone; and the threat of our libraries going paperless…yes, it’s already here! My blogs are being “published” on the internet for gosh sakes (maybe not this one :-)) But I did not hire an editor. I did not seek out a publisher with the intent to put my thoughts on paper, between two flaps and sell it at Borders for $14.95. That would be too much work. I can call myself a published author simply by blogging my carefully or poorly constructed thoughts…and so can you.
I have written approximately 17 essays over the last 4 months and have distributed them to all of you via my internet marketing service and my blog. I am a customer and creature of this very thing I am weary of – yep, it’s hypocritical. And over these last four months, I have conversed with many of you about these ideas and issues of which I write and I am always happy for the correspondence that occurs between us.
But I want to tell you a quick story: I play basketball with a group of guys at a local church most Sunday nights. I’ve been doing this for over 12 years now. A few will even get this article…most will not. But we are friends. We know each other’s kids. We know where to give each other the ball on the court for our best shots. We talk all 90 minutes that we’re playing. We tease each other, listen to each other and sometimes we even get into arguments with each other – mostly about who fouled who and how hard, but we work it out. There have even been a handful of physical confrontations over the years, but we work it out. We shake hands, we hear each other’s voices and we even hug – ya’ know the “off to the side, faces far apart, shoulder to shoulder man hug?” And we’re not talking about empathy in the workplace, or fears or Servant Leadership during this time. We’re simply occupying and sharing physical space, all at the same time on a basketball court.
There are close to 1,000 of you who receive my writings. It would, of course, be impossible for all of us to become acquainted in the aforementioned manner of which I share; basketball games or otherwise. But I cannot help but sense that for some of the benefits there are to communicating through mediums (other than shared oxygen) of which I discuss, we are losing something in the process. There is little to no emotion when we tweet, unless we’re truly gifted writers and then it’s still compromised. We cannot see the wrinkles in each other’s eyes when we type “LOL.” And my website, voicemail message and Face Book bio are simply the cheaper versions of me.
It appears to be here to stay, this social media paradigm of which we’re entrenched. It’s where Gen Y lives. So if you’re selling anything that they are interested in and the main thrust of your work is to make a profit, you’d better be hanging out on Face Book and its counterparts.
Just remember though that tears, side-splitting humor, eye contact, in person “I’m sorry-s” and a good firm handshake are the stuff of true friendships. And you don’t need a password to access it.
Hope to SEE you soon.
Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net
See, I need more handshakes and I need to hear more voices and, yes, I need more hugs. And I need these things from YOU! Now I have plenty of love and human, physical contact in my personal life. I am quite blessed, I must say, in this arena. I was raised in a home where hugs, kisses and pats on the back were commonplace. And I am doing the same with my family today. It’s just the way we do it. Not right, not wrong, just our way.
But I’m worried. I’m worried that my son might “text” his way to the prom, in spite of my wife and my best intentions to criminalize Wii and DS in our home. I’m concerned that Face Book and Twitter will corner the market on the human art of following. I’m equally worried that our society is heading down a road where people live part of their lives in the snippets, clichés and anecdotal information they share on the fly between the real stuff of home, work and community.
We’re already here: online interviewing, cyber dating, the narcissism of Face Book (and yes, I subscribe); the nuttiness of telling all of your “friends” what you’re thinking, doing and feeling via your cell phone; and the threat of our libraries going paperless…yes, it’s already here! My blogs are being “published” on the internet for gosh sakes (maybe not this one :-)) But I did not hire an editor. I did not seek out a publisher with the intent to put my thoughts on paper, between two flaps and sell it at Borders for $14.95. That would be too much work. I can call myself a published author simply by blogging my carefully or poorly constructed thoughts…and so can you.
I have written approximately 17 essays over the last 4 months and have distributed them to all of you via my internet marketing service and my blog. I am a customer and creature of this very thing I am weary of – yep, it’s hypocritical. And over these last four months, I have conversed with many of you about these ideas and issues of which I write and I am always happy for the correspondence that occurs between us.
But I want to tell you a quick story: I play basketball with a group of guys at a local church most Sunday nights. I’ve been doing this for over 12 years now. A few will even get this article…most will not. But we are friends. We know each other’s kids. We know where to give each other the ball on the court for our best shots. We talk all 90 minutes that we’re playing. We tease each other, listen to each other and sometimes we even get into arguments with each other – mostly about who fouled who and how hard, but we work it out. There have even been a handful of physical confrontations over the years, but we work it out. We shake hands, we hear each other’s voices and we even hug – ya’ know the “off to the side, faces far apart, shoulder to shoulder man hug?” And we’re not talking about empathy in the workplace, or fears or Servant Leadership during this time. We’re simply occupying and sharing physical space, all at the same time on a basketball court.
There are close to 1,000 of you who receive my writings. It would, of course, be impossible for all of us to become acquainted in the aforementioned manner of which I share; basketball games or otherwise. But I cannot help but sense that for some of the benefits there are to communicating through mediums (other than shared oxygen) of which I discuss, we are losing something in the process. There is little to no emotion when we tweet, unless we’re truly gifted writers and then it’s still compromised. We cannot see the wrinkles in each other’s eyes when we type “LOL.” And my website, voicemail message and Face Book bio are simply the cheaper versions of me.
It appears to be here to stay, this social media paradigm of which we’re entrenched. It’s where Gen Y lives. So if you’re selling anything that they are interested in and the main thrust of your work is to make a profit, you’d better be hanging out on Face Book and its counterparts.
Just remember though that tears, side-splitting humor, eye contact, in person “I’m sorry-s” and a good firm handshake are the stuff of true friendships. And you don’t need a password to access it.
Hope to SEE you soon.
Jerry Nehr
www.creativediscoveries.net
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Choosing Our Moods
First question: What kind of mood are you in as you read today's essay? Relaxed? Bored? Grateful? Frustrated? Rushed? Sad? Hopeful? Something else?
Second question: Did you choose your current mood, or did it just come upon you?
If we believe that our mood is "just the mood" that we're in at the moment, then our mood is in charge of many things, yes? How we see others; how we treat others; how we respond to situations; the words we choose; the decisions we make throughout the day and what we believe about ourselves.
Isn't it great when we're in a good mood? Everybody's nicer. We're nicer. We're happier (and healthier, and funnier and more attractive and...). The sun is brighter and the tailgater on the freeway is "probably just in a rush and let's hope for her safety." :-)
But when we're in a bad mood, oh boy! The world is not a place of peace. We look for everything and anything to solidify our notion that "things are pretty screwed up." The job is going nowhere. The economy will never come back. My kids are constantly asking for more, more, more. And what an idiot that guy is, driving so close behind me...I can't wait 'til this day's over.
Just my words and examples, but hopefully you get the spirit of my assertion that we, sometimes, are in receivership of our moods.
But what if we changed the picture. What if we made the decision to choose the mood we wished to be in? That, in fact, our moods were the outcomes of our conscious choices. That, in my mind, would be true personal mastery.
Making the conscious choice to change the mood we're in is a form of self-efficacy (the belief that we can accomplish something). In so doing, we empower ourselves to feel the way we wish to feel. Now feelings of hurt, anger, sorrow and disappointment are natural consequences of life. I, in no way, suggest that these things be repressed, cast aside or expedited before running their due course. What I am suggesting is that our ability as human beings to cultivate a feeling we so desire is not only within our emotional, psychological and spiritual DNA, but also our responsibility to ourselves in relief of the negativity that can permeate our days.
When we CHOOSE...
Second question: Did you choose your current mood, or did it just come upon you?
If we believe that our mood is "just the mood" that we're in at the moment, then our mood is in charge of many things, yes? How we see others; how we treat others; how we respond to situations; the words we choose; the decisions we make throughout the day and what we believe about ourselves.
Isn't it great when we're in a good mood? Everybody's nicer. We're nicer. We're happier (and healthier, and funnier and more attractive and...). The sun is brighter and the tailgater on the freeway is "probably just in a rush and let's hope for her safety." :-)
But when we're in a bad mood, oh boy! The world is not a place of peace. We look for everything and anything to solidify our notion that "things are pretty screwed up." The job is going nowhere. The economy will never come back. My kids are constantly asking for more, more, more. And what an idiot that guy is, driving so close behind me...I can't wait 'til this day's over.
Just my words and examples, but hopefully you get the spirit of my assertion that we, sometimes, are in receivership of our moods.
But what if we changed the picture. What if we made the decision to choose the mood we wished to be in? That, in fact, our moods were the outcomes of our conscious choices. That, in my mind, would be true personal mastery.
Making the conscious choice to change the mood we're in is a form of self-efficacy (the belief that we can accomplish something). In so doing, we empower ourselves to feel the way we wish to feel. Now feelings of hurt, anger, sorrow and disappointment are natural consequences of life. I, in no way, suggest that these things be repressed, cast aside or expedited before running their due course. What I am suggesting is that our ability as human beings to cultivate a feeling we so desire is not only within our emotional, psychological and spiritual DNA, but also our responsibility to ourselves in relief of the negativity that can permeate our days.
When we CHOOSE...
- gratitude over unhappiness,
- calmness over stress,
- acceptance over victim-hood,
- forgiveness over anger,
- abundance over scarcity,
- being kind over being right,
- lover over fear,
- and patience over control
we are in control of our lives and our moods. Instead of our lives and our moods being determined by the careless driver, the demanding boss, the economy or the car not starting. We always have a choice to decide how we will feel. Feelings follow thoughts - "as we think, so shall we be." It's our corner of freedom.
So try this: Pay attention to your mood for the rest of today. And ask yourself: Is this the mood I wish to be in? And (whether it's a good mood or not) "am I responsible for it?" If you find yourself blaming others for your mood, or wondering how in the heck you got into a particular mood, immediately move your thinking to personal mastery of your thoughts. In other words, what imagery, memories, future plans, or present-moment circumstance can you think of that will take you to a place of goodness?
FYI: I began today's essay in somewhat of a sour mood, so I thought I'd walk my own talk.
Happy mood-ing :-)
Jerry Nehr
Friday, August 21, 2009
Who's to Blame?
The last article I sent out was on forgiveness. In summary, I discussed how forgiving another person frees us from our anger, resentment, pain, etc. towards that person which, subsequently, makes us healthier people. Some of you agreed with me on this assertion, while others of you shared different views of it and, in turn, broadened my own context of the subject.
But as promised, this next topic is about blame. I tie blame in with forgiveness, because in order to forgive, we must have, at some point, blamed. Blame can be a powerful tool to use against others. Blame makes us right and others wrong; a very comfortable place for some of us. Admittedly, it has felt good - for me - to blame others for my predicament, problems and feelings at certain times in my life. It has allowed me the luxury of ignorance, un-examination and self-centeredness. For all I need to do is be external in my thinking: keep looking outward; continue to look for the mistakes, character flaws and poor behavior in other people; assign their transgressions upon me as intentional, malicious and outside my control and I get the free pass. No introspection required.
I don't know about you, but for me, this is no way to live life. When we blame, we are not in control of our thoughts and feelings (I maintain). "If only my wife would not do this" we might say, "then things would be better." Or, "When my boss starts noticing my contributions a little more, than I'll show more initiative." And, "I only yelled back because you were yelling at me." All of these put the power in the hands of others. Every time we blame someone, anyone, for how we are and why we did something, we give away our ability to make choices that are in our best interest. We keep the power in their hands. And guess what? They ain't changing, at least not how and when we want. I've heard it said, "Never underestimate your power to change YOURSELF, but never overestimate your power to change OTHERS."
Whether it's in the workplace, the schoolyard, the home, the neighborhood or the privacy of our own minds, the blame we exert unto others keeps us anchored as victims. Now we all fall victim to others at some point in our lives, whether they be criminals, angry people, intolerant spouses, abusive parents, hostile coworkers, reckless drivers or bullies. These things occur and, much of the time, there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do about it. But our ability to choose how we react to those people is our corner of freedom.
(Read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" for one of the most compelling reads ever on personal responsibility, accountability and choosing life in the face of pain, hopelessness and despair.)
As we find ourselves needing to forgive, we can also ask ourselves, "at what point did I blame this person, people or circumstance and why?"
So here are a few tips on reducing blame in your life:
But as promised, this next topic is about blame. I tie blame in with forgiveness, because in order to forgive, we must have, at some point, blamed. Blame can be a powerful tool to use against others. Blame makes us right and others wrong; a very comfortable place for some of us. Admittedly, it has felt good - for me - to blame others for my predicament, problems and feelings at certain times in my life. It has allowed me the luxury of ignorance, un-examination and self-centeredness. For all I need to do is be external in my thinking: keep looking outward; continue to look for the mistakes, character flaws and poor behavior in other people; assign their transgressions upon me as intentional, malicious and outside my control and I get the free pass. No introspection required.
I don't know about you, but for me, this is no way to live life. When we blame, we are not in control of our thoughts and feelings (I maintain). "If only my wife would not do this" we might say, "then things would be better." Or, "When my boss starts noticing my contributions a little more, than I'll show more initiative." And, "I only yelled back because you were yelling at me." All of these put the power in the hands of others. Every time we blame someone, anyone, for how we are and why we did something, we give away our ability to make choices that are in our best interest. We keep the power in their hands. And guess what? They ain't changing, at least not how and when we want. I've heard it said, "Never underestimate your power to change YOURSELF, but never overestimate your power to change OTHERS."
Whether it's in the workplace, the schoolyard, the home, the neighborhood or the privacy of our own minds, the blame we exert unto others keeps us anchored as victims. Now we all fall victim to others at some point in our lives, whether they be criminals, angry people, intolerant spouses, abusive parents, hostile coworkers, reckless drivers or bullies. These things occur and, much of the time, there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do about it. But our ability to choose how we react to those people is our corner of freedom.
(Read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" for one of the most compelling reads ever on personal responsibility, accountability and choosing life in the face of pain, hopelessness and despair.)
As we find ourselves needing to forgive, we can also ask ourselves, "at what point did I blame this person, people or circumstance and why?"
So here are a few tips on reducing blame in your life:
- Look at the person or circumstance that is causing you pain or discomfort as teachers who are here to provide you with the lessons you need to grow.
- Ask yourself, "what have I done, or what was I doing that invited in this person or situation to cause this anger, frustration, etc.?"
- Ask yourself this question: "How do I teach others to treat me?"
- Ask yourself what you get out of blaming others for your problems, irritations, etc. If it's to NOT address our own issues, which it just might be, then your willingness to blame only delays your personal growth and happiness.
- Get in the habit of not taking things personally. If someone calls you a jerk, and you respond in a jerk-life manner, who's got the problem? :-)
Once we blame, the next step is forgiveness - if we desire a mentally and emotionally healthy life. Our own list of forgive-ees is indicative of the blame we've exerted upon the world. We can shorten the list by actually forgiving them and then being ever-so careful on who, when and why we blame.
And in the process, we engage and re-engage in our ability to choose, act and live without others knowing exactly where and how to push our self-placed buttons.
If you disagree or don't like this article, don't blame me. Email me your own thoughts. :-)
Jerry Nehr
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